How his cover was blown: A cleaning crew walked in on him “kissing, groping and sexually assaulting” the girl — bringing to an end some 20 months of abusing the teenager.
Proof that sex offenders are incurable — and incurably stupid: According to the Riverside Press-Enterprise, “While awaiting trial, the pastor was arrested for soliciting an undercover police officer for oral sex on University Avenue in Riverside.”
Where he is now: Off the streets and rotting away in prison, thank God. Convicted of “20 counts each of lewd and lascivious behavior and five counts each of rape and statutory rape,” the slimeball was sentenced to more than 205 years.
Suggest you also read: The story of the victim, “Becky J.,” in her own words.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Martin:
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
— Genesis 2:17
Suggested Bible reading for Mrs. Kristal Martin:
His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.
Claims to fame: Former associate pastor of North Sharon Baptist Church (near Ann Arbor, MI); honored alumnus of (surprise!) Hyles Anderson College; accused child molester
Moral apex: Charged, in 1992, with 11 counts of first- and second-degree sexual assault on children.
The company he kept: Leonard was accused of child molestation right around the same time as North Sharon Baptist deacon (and — surprise! — fellow Hyles-Anderson grad) Mark Foeller was accused of the same thing.
So, what happened? Most of the charges against Leonard “were dropped after a judge ruled the alleged victims, ages 3 and 4, were too young to testify. Two other charges were dismissed … when a 9-year-old alleged victim told Assistant Washtenaw County Prosecutor Julie Owdziej she was unable to testify at a preliminary hearing.”
Waitasec. A nine-year-old told the prosecutor “she was unable to testify at a preliminary hearing”? Yeah, it sounds fishy to us, too (our first thought was that maybe the church strongarmed the kid’s parents into shutting up), but that’s what the papers reported.
Nevertheless: “Washtenaw County Circuit Judge Patrick Conlin … reinstated one count of first-degree criminal sexual conduct… Thomas Shea ruled the 9-year-old, who could not pinpoint the exact time of the alleged assault, was not a credible witness. But Conlin overturned that decision, saying the date of the alleged assault was not as important as the claim that it had occurred.”
Ultimately… Nothing of consequence happened. Leonard was never convicted of anything. We don’t know where he is today.
Have They No Shame? moment: Just months after the original charges against Leonard and Foeller were made…
…Leonard and Foeller’s wife, Shelly, were honored by the Christian Law Association during Hammond First Baptist’s annual pastors’ school, which drew thousands of delegates, for Christian courage in defending “trumped-up” charges and “lies” against them, their families and their church.
Are you surprised that Leonard is yet another in a seemingly endless line of Hyles-Anderson graduates busted for kiddie molestation? If so, you shouldn’t be; at this point, we’re started to think Hyles-Anderson should start issuing Bachelor of Child Molestation diplomas along with the rest of its phony-baloney “degrees.”
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Leonard:
How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
Claim to fame: Yet another in a long line of Hyles-Anderson College graduates (who also served as deacon and volunteer bus driver for Jack Hyles‘ First Baptist Church) accused of molesting children
The lowdown:
Mark Foeller, the volunteer bus driver, has four counts of first- and second-degree child sexual assault pending against him in Washtenaw County, [Washtenaw County Prosecutor Brian Mackie] said. Seven additional charges were brought against Foeller last week in neighboring Jackson County.
Claims to fame: Tucson, Arizona, “working-class conservative” talk-show host for Christian radio station KVOI-AM; “self-proclaimed reverend”; ex-cop; ex-communications director for Lou Sheldon’s gay-hating Traditional Values Coalition; ex-campaign manager for Randy Graf (R-Ariz.-8); convicted child molester— er, “minor corruptor”
Moral apex: Convicted in 1996 of “two counts of corruption of a minor stemming from his 1995 sexual relationships with two teenage girls,” in Pennsylvania, for which he “served almost two-and-a-half months at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility,” as reported by ABC News (GOP Campaign Manager Guilty of Corruption of Minors, June 16, 2006).
ABC News also reports:
The self-proclaimed reverend met the underage teens in Pennsylvania through YouthQuest, a Christian counseling agency.
According to testimony by the victim, reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer, Aiken “came into her room while she was asleep, undressed her and began to rub her breasts.”
Aiken reportedly forced himself on the girl about 15 times in the course of four months, according to the Inquirer.
Another girl accused him of having sex with her in his car and at a thrift store.
A jury convicted Aiken of two counts of corruption of a minor but deadlocked on sexual assault charges.
Twinkie defense: He’s innocent, he tells you, innocent! “I won’t waste your time,” he wrote June 17, 2006, on one of his Web sites, “re-hashing old news except to say; [sic] I have NEVER wavered from my stance that I simply did not commit the crimes in which I was convicted.”
Fall-on-the-sword moment: NBC affiliate KVOA reported that Aiken said “it’s not out of the question that he may quit the campaign to spare Graf the negative publicity.”
But: Aiken didn’t have a chance to fall on his sword; Graf fired him the same day (June 17, 2006).
Questions to which we haven’t yet found answers:
1. How did Aiken plead? Not guilty? Rumor has it that he plea-bargained for the two-and-a-half-month sentence.
2. Has he appealed his conviction? If so, he must have lost the appeal. Why?
3. If he hasn’t appealed his conviction, why hasn’t he?
4. Why is he no longer a police officer?
Memorable quotes:
How someone practices sex doesn’t belong in the open market. It’s a private matter.
— Bashing gays, as usual, in 2001
I was ok with it until they came after our kids in school AND demanded the right to be married….since when do we grant people special rights based on how they CHOOSE to have sex?
— From his Web site, regarding homosexuality
It’s apparent that political operatives have used my past (almost twelve years ago) to try and hurt Randy Graf’s chances for election. … [On] my radio show on March 25, 2006 where I predicted ALMOST to the letter, that this was going to happen! …
However, if the “left” or even those of my own Republican party, think that this is somehow going to make me go away, they do not know me very well. I will not stop promoting Conservative candidates and Christian causes. I’m sure not going to curl up in a ball and go away just because I was falsely convicted almost twelve years ago.
That is exactly what the “left” and the enemies of this great Country would like, and exactly why I WILL NOT CAVE IN! THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
— Proclaiming his innocence again, on one of his Web sites June 17, 2006
Memorable observations:
What he did was no more serious than providing a teenager with beer.
— Randy Graf, illustrating his own moral relativism, to ABC News, June 16, 2006
To compare assaulting teenage girls with giving a kid a beer shows Randy has no sense of proportion. If my kid were volunteering for Randy and he never told me about Steve’s conviction, I’d be mad as heck.
— Steve Huffman (R-Ariz.), June 17, 2006
I have never equated buying alcohol for a minor with sexual misconduct.
— Randy Graf’s retort
According to the Allentown Morning Call, at his sentencing hearing in June 1996, Aiken said, “Steve Aiken’s days of helping kids are over.”
In addition to his political activities, Aiken also hosts a weekly radio program on KVOI in Tucson. Aiken’s website includes a “help wanted” page seeking high school or college students to work as volunteer interns on the radio program.
— ABC News, June 16, 2006
When you go around standing on a soapbox telling everyone else what “family values” are all about, the you should expect that your own lack of commitment to those will face scrutiny. This is where Republicans, once again, refuse to accept responsibility — it seems they only believe it is news if someone else does something wrong, not themselves.
Don’t campaign on a bunch of vague “traditional” values if your own life is filled with being a scumbag. When a party grounds itself on a dishonorable televangelista empire, what does the public expect? Honesty?
— Comment to Brian Ross’ ABC News blog, June 17, 2006
Fun facts:
• Compares himself to another local right-wing talk-show host, who “too had a conviction for a relatively minor offence.” (emphasis ours; British spelling his)
• On one of his Web sites, Aiken writes of the ACLU: “They give me aggidda, trying to tear the pages of history out of this countries [sic] Christian Heritage, nothing but a bunch of hypocrites!”
We have no idea what “aggidda” is — unless he’s referring to a planet in a certain RPG, in which case he misspelled Agidda. That leaves us wondering what such a good Christian is doing involving himself with role-playing games, since, as we all know, that Dungeons & Dragons stuff is the playtoy of Satan!
After all, it was Aiken himself who issued the Traditional Values Coalition’s big, scary warning that Harry Potter books are essentially “an abomination to God” — and how the Wiccanism represented therein “incorporate[s] radical feminism and homosexuality,” and its “witches also believe in abortion as a sacred act.”
• Also on one of his Web sites, he loves showing off photos of himself posing with many of his fellow Republican sinners, including serial adulterer Bob Livingston, adulterer and drooling Viagra spokesman Bob Dole, divorcé Jack Kemp, bastard-sire J.C. Watts, Jr., ugly little twerp Gary Bauer, and many other stains on the human race, such as Kenneth Starr, Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft, Jerry Falwell, Oliver North, and Tim “I’m making a fortune exploiting made-up stuff about Armageddon!” LaHaye.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Aiken:
For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.
Claims to fame: Former Speaker of the Puerto Rico House of Representatives; pedophile; child molester; incest perp; statutory rapist
Moral apex: Molesting his stepdaughter and a friend of hers for some eight years from the time the girls were nine years old — beating out another incident that was in itself enough to land Aldarondo in the Conservative Babylon Hall of Shame: he also molested a 17-year-old girl (another friend of his daughter’s, also 17 at the time) who visited his home in 2002.
For the latter attack, he was charged with rape, corrupting a minor and supplying drugs and alcohol to a minor.
End result: In 2004, while already in prison on a corruption charge (he’d been indicted in 2001 on charges of influence peddling), he plea-bargained the rape charge down to attempted rape, pled guilty — sort of — was convicted on two counts of boozing up the kids, and was sentenced to a total of 13 years… ten of which won’t begin until after he finishes his current six-year sentence for corruption.
How do you “sort of” plead guilty? He didn’t want to say the word “guilty,” so when entering his plea, he said:
“We are accepting an agreement reached by my lawyer and the prosecutor in this case.”
The judge wasn’t wild about that, replying: “I want to hear you say you are guilty.”
To which Misla Aldarondo stated, reluctantly, “In that case, we’re guilty.”
“What is this kid thinking?” moment: According to AP, “Misla Aldarondo’s son, Yamil Misla, said his father pleaded guilty because he asked him to. The younger Misla said he hoped the guilty plead would allow his father to be reunited with his family sooner.”
We think the last thing anybody should want is for Misla Aldarondo to be reunited with his family.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Misla Aldarondo:
None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.
Moral apex: It’s a toss-up between his three divorces and his betrayal of his and Cher’s lesbian daughter, Chastity. No matter how “supportive” Chas claims he was when she came out to him at age 17, the fact remains that he still voted for the cruelly anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act in 1996.
In fact, he did a lot of boneheaded, mean-spirited, typically greedy, pro-corporatist Republican things while in office; e.g., the Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act, which has nothing to do with sex, but which is highly annoying to those of us who would like to be able to sing “Happy Birthday to You” in public without having to pay a royalty fee.
Anyway…
Three divorces, you say? Yep. He was married to one Donna Rankin from 1954 until after he met Cher around 1963 or ‘64 (which makes him an adulterer, too), then divorced Donna, married Cher, got dumped by Cher in 1975 (on grounds of “involuntary servitude”), turned around and married the then-very-cute Susie Coelho, then divorced Susie in 1984, and then finally, in 1986, married a much-younger former bartender named Mary Whitaker — who would, two weeks after Bono’s death, announce her intention to run for Sonny’s now-vacant office.
What we still can’t believe: That he was actually elected mayor, let alone to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1994. (No, seriously — you wouldn’t believe the number of Californians outside the isolated little right-wing haven of Palm Springs who thought Sonny’s win was as big a joke as he was. Really.)
Fun factExample of shameful disservice #1: Mr. Republican Representative admitted that he had never voted until he was 53 years old — and then he had to register, since he was about to run for mayor.
Example of shameful disservice #2: Since he was never registered to vote, that means he never served on a jury — a duty some of us Americans take quite seriously, and recognize as an important part of our responsibility as good citizens.
So why did he get into politics in the first place? The truth: He was running a chain of restaurants, and was pissed off at the bureaucracy involved in getting city approval for a sign. That was enough to convince him that the City of Palm Springs needed him to straighten it out. And his celebrity (”celebrity” being a highly subjective word) carried his election.
Really? Yes, really.
Another thing we don’t like about him: Through his friendship with Mimi Rogers (actress and the first ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise), he became a hardcore Scientologist (his own mother said he was “brainwashed”) — but publically, lied and said he was still a Roman Catholic, ’cause he knew how off-putting Scientology is to the reality-based world.
Where he is now: Dead. He pulled a Michael Kennedy and skiied into a tree on the Nevada side of South Lake Tahoe, on January 5, 1998, spawning a rash of really tasteless jokes (e.g., “What’s the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy? About five days”), joining Kennedy in the running for the 1998 Darwin Awards, and eventually earning a place in the Urban Dictionary.
Why we’re glad he’s not in office even more, even if we’re sorry he’s dead: His close, personal friend, the despicable then-House Speaker Newt Gingrich, put Sonny-Boy on the House Judiciary and National Security Committees. Problem was, Sonny (by his own admission) didn’t understand all the “legal talk” — a handicap that would never improve throughout his political career, and which became more apparent every time he opened his mouth.
Sonny Bono may have been a smart businessman, but his vast ignorance made him a dangerously stupid lawmaker. Even worse, a majority of Palm Springs residents were actually stupid enough to vote for him.
Memorable quotes:
What is qualified? What have I been qualified for in my life? I haven’t been qualified to be a mayor. I’m not qualified to be a songwriter. I’m not qualified to be a TV producer. I’m not qualified to be a successful businessman. And so, I don’t know what qualified means.
— During 1992 campaign
I’m not homophobic. I simply can’t handle it yet, Barney. I wish I was ready, but I can’t tell my son it’s OK … I can’t go as far as you deserve, and I’m sorry.
— To gay Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), justifying his support of anti-gay DoMA at a 1996 committee hearing
Unfortunate.
— His assessment of daughter Chastity’s lesbianism, 1996
We have a hit squad in Haiti. You know what our CIA does — they kill people. If anybody ever dares to compare Bob Dole to Clinton, then they’re comparing a criminal to an honest man.
— In a 1996 re-election campaign speech, to which a White House spokesman responded: “I have no idea what he is referring to.”
Memorable observations:
Substance never burdened Bono’s political career. …
The bumbling persona — enjoyable in the Sonny and Cher act on television — was later carried into the House of Representatives. There it became depressing. He never made any effort to fill in the giant gaps in his knowledge. He wore ignorance as a badge of honor and was elected to a second term. …
Given this checkered domestic history [of marriage], it was amusing to see Sonny Bono co-sponsoring legislation that would deny federal recognition to same-sex marriages. He asserted that unions between gay men or lesbians were not real marriages like his. All four of them?
Moral apex: It’s a tie: We can’t decide whether it was his $265,000 hush-money payment to keep church secretary Jessica Hahn quiet about their affair, or the $158 million he embezzled from his own PTL (a.k.a. Praise the Lord, a.k.a. People That Love) ministry, and spent on lavish mansions (with gold-plated bathroom fixtures), luxury cars, an air-conditioned doghouse, and a face lift (for Jim, not wife Tammy Faye), among other little necessities.
With friends like these, who needs enemas? Bakker was exposed (publicly, that is) by rival telepreacher (and fellow fornicator) Jimmy Swaggart.
Adding insult to injury: Almost simultaneously, Bakker was defrocked, and the PTL and its associated Heritage USA Christian theme park were snapped up by even-bigger rival Jerry Falwell.
Twinkie defense: Bakker claimed he’d had a “psychotic break.”
Divine justice: Convicted in 1989 on 23 counts of fraud, sentenced to 45 years in prison, and fined half a million dollars.
Add divorcé to his resume: In 1992, while Bakker was dropping his soap in the pen, Tammy Faye ended their marriage.
What happened next: Paroled in 1994, Bakker went back to religious huckstering in 2003, with his new wife (whom he met in an alley while she was “ministering”), who admits to having had five abortions (for which, of course, she has been forgiven since finding Jesus).
What happened to Tammy Faye: She got addicted to painkillers, recovered at Betty Ford, and then was diagnosed with colon cancer, which developed into inoperable lung cancer. (In 2004, she told Larry King that, after chemotherapy, she was cancer-free; however, in March of 2006, she reported that she had stage-four lung cancer.)
Born again, again, in 1993 Tammy Faye married one Roe Messner, the building contractor for the now-defunct Heritage USA. History repeated itself, when Messner (who, incidentally, says he has prostate cancer) was convicted on bankruptcy fraud charges, and spent a few years in prison.
While Roe served time, Tammy Faye went back to TV with a syndicated talk show co-hosted by gay (and HIV+) actor Jim J. Bullock (formerly JM J. Bullock) of “Too Close for Comfort” fame. (”Her beliefs,” reflected Bullock, “are not in favor of homosexuality, but she gave me the freedom to be who I am.”) The show was cancelled in 1996.
The subject of two documentary films (The Eyes of Tammy Faye, 1999, and Tammy Faye: Death Defying, 2004), she embraced the gay community, and became a gay icon.
On July 21, 2007, barely two days after her last interview with Larry King, Tammy Faye passed way.
Of all the evangelicals we rip to shreds around here, Tamme Faye is not one of them. Listen to her last words to King, and you will understand why:
Godspeed, Tammy Faye.
What happened to Jim and Tammy Faye’s kids: Tammy Sue ran away from home, was estranged from Tammy Faye for a while, and then went to work for her father. The Bakkers’ obese son Jay grew up to be a drug addict, recovered, and became a heavily-tattooed-and-pierced street preacher in Atlanta.
Fun fact: Jim Bakker was born James Orsen; he took Tammy Faye’s “maiden name” as his own.
Memorable quotes and observations:
I was wickedly manipulated by treacherous former friends who victimized me with the aid of a female confederate. … Vulnerable as I was at the time, I was set up as part of a scheme to co-opt me and obtain some advantage for themselves over me in connection with their hope for position in the ministry.
— Jim Bakker, 1987
I have sat across the table from men who have told me of your homosexual advances.
— Jerry Falwell to Jim Bakker Press conference, 1987
“The Devil in Jim Bakker: His Homosexual Lover and Pimp Tells All”
— Title of Penthouse article, January, 1989
That is where Jim and I have been, the sorrow and the grief and the hurt! And we had absolutely nothing left, reputation destroyed, everything gone! My God! Oh, my!
— Tammy Faye Bakker Jim and Tammy, January 2, 1989
I think the devil was mad.
— Jim Bakker, ibid.
Satan got into our computer and lost the money.
— Tammy Faye, date unknown
When challenged, he became God’s prophet with God’s mandate for the hour. Doubting Jim Bakker became equivalent to doubting God.
— Grant Wacker Christian Century, 1989
I didn’t hear about it when it happened. And they kept it from me for all those years. And so when we lost PTL was the first time I ever heard about it. …Jim told me himself. He said, it’s going to be in the papers tomorrow, and I’ve got to tell you something. And we went in the bedroom and he told me what had happened.
— Tammy Faye, telling Larry King how she found out about Jim’s affair nine years after the fact June 7, 1996
It used to take a million dollars every two days just so I could live.
— Jim Bakker, 1998
And a lot of times, when a pastor makes a mistake, he’s never, ever given another chance. And what we want to do is bring them — you see, the inner city kids and the inner city people — first of all, they don’t know who I am. They just know that I love them. And they don’t care if he has credentials. They don’t know if he’s been deflocked or — defrocked, I should say — you know — I guess a Christmas tree is flocked. But anyhow, they don’t care. They just love.
— Jim Bakker on Larry King Live January 25, 2000
Life’s been a little bit hard on me.
— Tammy Faye Messner to Larry King June 24, 2001
At a recent Tammy Faye look-alike contest held at a gay nightclub in Washington, D.C., Lady Bunny introduced the real Tammy Faye to a raucous crowd. And even at this over-the-top contest, surrounded by men in falsies and pancake makeup, Tammy Faye Messner is impossible to upstage.
— NPR News, June 20, 2002
She was in search of a group to possibly adore her. … She found one and she clung to it.
— Metro Weekly publisher Randy Shulman, on Tammy Faye embracing the gay community, 2002
It was never exactly clear how many sexual partners (allegedly both women and men) [Jim Bakker] enjoyed in those crazy days before his reckoning with the law and crushing humiliation. …
…Bakker, we all assumed, would fade into shamed obscurity. One thing was for sure, he told one interviewer shortly afterwards – he would never preach on television again. …
Not only is he preaching once more, but he is doing it before the cameras. …
Bakker, in other words, has made a swift journey from shamed to shameless.
— The Independent, June 15, 2003
Would you make a pledge to this ministry for $100?
— Fundraising letter on Jim Bakker’s Web site, 2003
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bakker: None. We think Jim Bakker is unsalvageable. So, instead, we offer this:
There’s an ugly little weasel ’bout three-foot nine Face puffed up from cryin’ ‘n lyin’ ‘Cause her sweet little hubby’s Suckin’ prong part time (In the name of the Lord) …
Did he really choose Tammy to do his work? Robertson says that he’s the one Oh he sure is, If Armageddon Is your idea of family fun, An’ he’s got some planned for you! (Now, tell me that ain’t true)
Now, what if Jimbo’s slightly gay, Will Pat let Jimbo get away? Everything we’ve heard him say Indicated that Jim must pay, (And it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin’ in, ‘Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo Can’t get enough of it …
Jim and Tammy! Oh, baby! You gotta go! You really gotta go!
Claims to fame: Republican strategist; Citadel graduate; Regent U. law student; Internet predator…
Moral apex:Busted in 2003 on two counts of soliciting sex with a minor over the Internet.
How they got him: An undercover female cop, pretending to be a young boy, let Vanderwall chat her up on AOL account, and then agreed to meet Vanderwall in a park.
What happened next: After a “three-day nonjury trial,” Vanderwall was convicted of five counts of soliciting sex with children via the Internet and one count of attempted indecent liberties with children.
Memorable observation:
Yup, another fine, upstanding member of the party of family values has been caught with his pants down. But stand by for the shocking twist! Among others, Robin Vanderwall ran the campaign of none other than… Del. Robert F. McDonnell, this week’s Idiot Number 6. That’s right, the man who wants to enforce a no-oral-and-anal-sex law employed an alleged pedophile for a campaign manager. “He did a very good job in my campaign,” McDonnell said last week. “He was diligent and a hard worker. I am shocked by the accusations.” I dunno, perhaps if Robert livened up the action in the bedroom he’d be able to think a little more clearly, what do you think?
Claims to fame: Republican activist, campaigner; former regional representative for Colorado Governor’s Office of Economic Development; Internet chat-room predator; child molester
Moral apex: Ankeney, whom the Rocky Mountain News called a “fixture in El Paso County Republican politics,” was arrested in 2001 on suspicion of sexual assault on a child with force, sexual assault on a child, sexual exploitation of a child, marijuana possession, and possession of drug paraphernalia.
The short version: Lured 13-year-old girl to his apartment, plied her with booze and pot, photographed her topless, then had sex with her.
What’s more: After his arrest, a second girl — a 17-year-old campaign worker — charged him with sexual assault.
End result: In 2002, he pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.
Fun fact: He named his dogs Nixon and Reagan.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Ankeney:
But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.
Claims to fame: Anti-gay crusader; alleged sexual harasser
Moral apex: While an economics professor at North Texas State University, was accused by three female students of sexually inappropriate behavior. One was upset enough to quit the school.
One thing’s clear: He wasn’t averse to sleeping with his students; one became his wife.
Memorable quote:
“Yes, I am Dick Armey. And if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up.”
— Referring to gay congressman Barney Frank, whom Armey called “Barney Fag”
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Armey:
Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit.
Claims to fame: Hypocrite; divorcée; adulterer; liar
Moral apex: Divorcée romped in the sheets for six years with very-much-married anti-government right-winger Vernon Ravenscroft. Then lied about it. Then lied about lying about it. But she says it’s all okay, because God’s forgiven her.
Punch line: This big-time (and big-haired) Clinton-hater ran an attack ad against her Democratic rival Dan Williams, who didn’t lie about his one-time marital infidelity (and got crucified for it).
Memorable quote:
“Our founding fathers knew that political leaders’ personal conduct must be held to the highest standards. President Clinton’s behavior has severely damaged his ability to lead our nation, and the free world. To restore honor in public office, and the trust of the American people, we must affirm that personal conduct does count, and integrity matters. Where do you stand, Dan?”
— Attack ad against Dan Williams
Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Chenoweth:
For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit. She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.
Claims to fame: Republican activist; former Green Bay Packers football player; adulterer; statutory rapist
The setup: Refused to meet with President Clinton because Clinton didn’t “have the moral authority to be President.”
The spike: Chmura was arrested for raping a 17-year old girl. He was acquitted — but that doesn’t erase the fact that he A) had sex with an underage girl (in a hot tub full of boozed-up teenagers at a party), and B) was himself married at the time.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Chmura:
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Claims to fame: Deacon and “bus director” at Jack Hyles‘ First Baptist Church in Hammond, Indiana; child molester
Moral apex: Convicted in March, 1993, and sentenced to five years in prison for molesting a seven-year-old girl. Having exhausted all appeals, Ballenger started serving his sentence in 1996.
A million-dollar civil suit by the girl’s parents against Jack Hyles and the First Baptist Church was settled out of court. Hyles not only dismissed the parents charges by telling them they didn’t have a case (Ballenger “just liked little girls,” said Hyles), but continued to allow Ballenger, free on appeal, to work at the church, often in contact with children.
Twinkie defense: “Ballenger testified that he put his arm around the girl because she was cold in the air-conditioned room, but that he did not fondle her.” [One step closer to the end, Northwest Indian Times, March 31, 1996]
What is a “bus director,” you ask? (We definitelyhad to ask.) Explains Miss Poppy:
How do you “grow” a church? Well in the late 60s Christians came up with the idea of bus ministries. As Jim Vineyard and Jerry Falwell testify in “Winning Souls Through Buses” bus ministries “put the ‘go’ in the Great Commission.” While resistant to the use of buses to take children to SCHOOLS these white wonders will go to any length to introduce children to ignorance and superstition. In the early 70s 1500 Sunday School pupils rode Falwell’s buses to the doors of Thomas Road Baptist Church.
Was this outreach program successful? What tactics did they use to bring these seekers to their knees? Read on, and prepare yourself for the body count.
First, the door-to-door invitations. When approaching someone’s house,
Look for signs of children, for usually they will be your first riders. However, you expect about 20 percent of your riders to be adults if you will go after them, and more as you perfect your tactics.
… After you have them at the church, separate the children and take them to their own special classes. Mr. Vineyard likes to act out Bible stories for the children, playing all the parts himself. If he wants to be especially frightening he has been known to take out his partial plate. …
Now when you’re casting your net for sole you have to expect to get a few trash fish as well. How does brother Vineyard suggest handling misbehaving, recalcitrant children?
If a child continues to misbehave, we have a room at the rear of our platform which we call the “Diaper Room.” We escort them there and make them sit facing the wall. The embarrassment of having to go to a room with such a name usually settles most children down.
Not only are innumerable children scarred for life with his bloody, violent depictions, but Brother Vineyard makes sure the rest are delivered over to infantilist fetishes. When, oh when, will we stop the church from preying on our young?
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Ballenger:
Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
Claims to fame: Junior House Rep. from Florida (since 2004); son of Florida legislator Connie Mack III; great-grandson of Philly baseball owner-manager Connie Mack; “family-values” Republican; adulterer; soon-to-be-divorcé
Moral apex: Dumped wife & mother of his two small children in 2005. As of this writing (2006), the divorce isn’t final, but he’s out screwing around with Mary Bono (R-Palm Springs), widow of Sonny Bono, who remarried after Sonny’s death — but who isn’t divorced yet, either.
How we know the affair rumor is true: Bono confirmed it.
Redeeming qualities: Has supported stem-cell research and the importation of prescription drugs from Canada, and voted against CAFTA — all of which is good, and which really pisses off most other Republicans.
Fun fact: His real name is Cornelius Alexander McGillicuddy IV.
P.S. How we can call Mack an adulterer when we don’t know for sure he’s actually shagging Bono? Well, if they’re not shagging, we would be very, very surprised. But the bottom line is, we go by strict biblical interpretation of everything here (hey, the Repubs set the rules!), and Jesus was pretty clear on the subject: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) That’s what Jimmy Carter was referring to when he said, “I’ve looked on many women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.”
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Mack:
But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.
