Conservative Babylon

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Story:

“Accused Pedophile Baptist Preacher Dies“

Claims to fame: Pro-”family values,” anti-gay Republican Token Negro, trotted out for photo ops to illustrate “tolerance” & “diversity” of GOP; illegitimate father

Fact #1: He’s an ordained Baptist minister.

Fact #2: He consistently earned a 100% approval rating from the Christian Coalition throughout his career.

Punch line: He fathered at least one out-of-wedlock child.

Memorable quote:

“Character is simply doing right when no one is looking.”

Memorable observation:

“A black man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.”

— J.C. Watts, Sr., to his son

Where he is now: Disappeared for a while, then starting popping up on CNN as some sort of poltical “expert.”

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Watts:

And Isaac his father said unto him, Who art thou? And he said, I am thy son, thy firstborn Esau.

— Genesis 27:32

Bonus Bible reading for Mr. Watts:

Also thou shalt not oppress a stranger: for ye know the heart of a stranger, seeing ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

— Exodus 23:9

Claims to fame: Republican Colorado Springs (Co.) City Council member, 2001; thief; porn addict

Moral apex: Convicted on 16 felony counts and two misdemeanor charges…

But: None of his convictions involve sex crimes; instead, he was nailed for bouncing checks, charging pizzas to his state-issued credit card, and stealing and pawning city-owned equipment, including his city-owned computer.

Why he’s here: Because he was also a habitual (some might suggest addicted) Internet porn surfer — using, of course, his city-owned computer, on city time.

Fun fact: He was also sued for failing to pay off his campaign debts.

Memorable “Want some cheese with that whine?” quote:

“Everyone in the Republican Party can break the rules except me.”

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Wingate:

Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

— Mark 7:22-23

Claims to fame: Former Speaker, Virginia House of Delegates; groper; briber; old lech

Moral apex: In 2002, stopped a sexual-harassment lawsuit cold with $100,000 in hush money.

Gory details: At least three women accused Wilkins of making sexual advances. He paid off one to keep her from filing suit — a 26-year-old who said the 65-year-old GOPer pinned her in her office.

End result: Republicans called for his head; he resigned.

Memorable headlines:

Great men are not always wise: neither do the aged understand judgment.

— Job 32:9

Claims to fame: Texas’ first Republican Senator (1961) since Reconstruction; chairman, Armed Services Committee under Bush I; adulterer; drunkard

Remembered for: Boozing, philandering, messy divorce (from wife number two), and appearing in a newspaper while wearing a Superman costume, reportedly while drunk.

Where he is today: Dead. Plane crash.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Tower:

Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.

— Proverbs 20:1

Claim to fame: Adulterer

Moral apex: Affair with healthcare lobbyist Deborah Steelman.

Don’t deny — justify: Never confessed to nor denied the affair, but reassured constituents in an open letter that he’s never let his personal life influence his public duty.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Thomas:

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

— Mark 8:36

Claims to fame: Why he’s here: Just another divorced Republican congressman.

Final reward: Dead, as of April 16, 2006.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Schaefer: Not worth the trouble.

Claims to fame: Multimillionaire; U.S. Vice President under Gerald Ford; three-time failed presidential candidate; adulterer; divorcé; laughingstock

Lead-up: Rocky and wife Happy left respective spouses to marry each other, in 1962.

Moral apex: Still married to Happy, Rocky died in 1979, reportedly in the midst of humping 25-year-old assistant, Megan Marshack, in the Manhattan apartment he helped her purchase.

Redeeming aspect: Incident kept a lot of stand-up comics working for a long time.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Rockefeller:

But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.

— 1 Timothy 6:9

Claims to fame: Former President of the United States; former Governor of California; former B-movie actor; adulterer; divorcé; lousy father; snitch

Moral apex: Divorced from actress Jane Wyman; married actress Nancy Davis — but not before allegedly bedding a bevy of Hollywood starlets while still married. When not estranged from all four children, was emotionally absent for most of their lives.

Punch line: Republicans think he’s God.

Real reason he’s in Hell right now: Testified against fellow actors for the McCarthy HUAC Communist witch hunts.

Memorable quote:

There has been a small group within the Screen Actors Guild which has consistently opposed the policy of the guild board and officers of the guild, as evidenced by the vote on various issues. That small clique referred to has been suspected of more or less following the tactics that we associate with the Communist Party. … Yes, sir, I have heard different discussions and some of them tagged as communists.

Testimony of Ronald Reagan before HUAC
October 23, 1947

Insightful observation:

“One of the things about Reagan is that he comes from Catholic stock; they decided the ‘bowl of soup’ was worth converting and changing the spelling of their name, so I presume a couple of his ancestors are cooking pretty good.

“But I guess ‘invincible ignorance’ is something you can plead for someone who was just too dumb to know what they were doing. One of the qualifications for mortal sin is full knowledge.”

— Sean Kelly
Sean Kelly Goes to Hell

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Reagan:

The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble.

— Proverbs 4:19

Claims to fame: Congregation Council President of Christ Lutheran Church, Wichita, KS; Park City, KS, Compliance Officer; Cub Scout leader; Vietnam veteran (USAF); registered Republican; Wichita’s self-described BTK (Bind Torture Kill) serial killer

Moral apex: Hard to say; we can’t decide which of his 10 known torture-killings (seven women, two children, and one man) between 1974 and 1991 was the worst.

(If you were to count all the crimes Rader committed during the course of his killing wave, you’d have to add, according to District Attorney Nola Foulston, “stalking, aggravated kidnapping, aggravated battery, attempted first degree murder, aggravated burglary, burglary, theft, criminal threat, aggravated indecent liberties with a child, aggravated sexual battery, animal cruelty, misuse of public funds, and terrorism in connection with the terroristic acts towards the Sedgwick County community.”)

Twinkie defense: Says he’s possessed by demons, which he calls (collectively) “Factor X.”

Is he nuts? Not according to the team of psychologists assembled by his defense attorneys; all the shrinks concluded that, despite a personality disorder or two, “there was no viable insanity defense in this case.”

How he was caught: He was a media whore. He couldn’t help bragging about the slayings, and, between 1977 and 1979, taunted police with letters, poems, word puzzles, and phone calls. One letter, left inside a book at the Wichita Public Library, read:

How many do I have to Kill before I get a name in the paper or some national attention. Do the cop think that all those deaths are not related? Golly —gee, yes the M.O. is different in each, but look a pattern is developing. The victims are tie up—most have been women—phone cut— bring some bondage mater sadist tendencies—no struggle, outside the death spot—no wintness except the Vain’s Kids. They were very lucky; a phone call save them. I was [going] to tape the boys and put plastics bag over there head like I did Joseph, and Shirley. And then hang the girl. God—oh God what a beautiful sexual relief that would been. Josephine, when I hung her really turn me on…

May you not be the unluck one! P.S. How about some name for me, its time: 7 down and many more to go.

In the same letter, he compared himself to high-profile serial killers David Berkowitz (”Son of Sam”), Jack the Ripper, Albert de Salvo (the Boston Strangler), the Hillside Stranglers, Ted Bundy, et. al.

(”I just seemed to crave the attention of the media,” Rader would say in 2005. “You can understand that.”)

His missives stopped cold — until March, 2004, around the 30th anniversary of his first kill, when the Wichita Eagle newspaper received a copy of the driver’s license of one of his victims, as well as photos of her body. (The name on the return address was “Bill Thomas Killman.”)

Subsequent letters — and packages — mailed to local TV stations, dropped off at the library, sent directly to police, or just left in odd locations, arrived in short order. Some contained jewelry belonging to one or more victims.

Rader provided a great deal of “background information” about himself — mostly lies, obviously concocted to throw police off his trail. Nevertheless, the cops saw through much of the smokescreen, and, long before his arrest, were able to surmise a few genuine facts: “Was acquainted with PJ Wyatt, who taught a folklore class at WSU during the 1970s. … Utilized fake identification to gain access to people’s homes or to conduct surveillance.”

His final undoing was a floppy disk sent to police. “Using Guidance Software’s EnCase Forensic program,” the New York Times reported a year later, “the police retrieved deleted files that contained Rader’s name as the author. Other digital data indicated that the computer on which the disk was used was owned by Rader’s church, where he was president of the council.”

That, and DNA from semen and skin samples at several of the crime scenes, put Rader away. He was arrested — during a routine traffic stop — on Friday, February 25, 2005, in Park City, Kansas.

Did he want to get caught? His lawyer thinks so: “[The floppy] disk,” said Rader’s defense attorney Charles S. Osburn, “was provided to law enforcement after Mr. Rader had basically communicated with them asking them are you going to be able to get this information off the disk. He basically knew they probably could … even though they told him they couldn’t. In effect, he basically turned himself in.”

The D.A. doesn’t: “Mr. Rader did not turn himself in and go peacefully,” said District Attorney Nola Foulston. “Mr. Rader was caught and intended to commit an 11th murder, but for the actions of the Wichita Police Department in bringing him to the justice system.”

Where he is now: In a Kansas state prison. He pleaded guilty to all ten counts of first-degree premeditated murder, waived his right to a jury trial, and was sentenced to nine consecutive life terms (without possibility of parole for the first 15 — of each term), plus one “Hard 40″ — 40 years with no possibility of parole (for the murder of Delores Davis). Total time: 175 years.

He escaped execution because all the crimes of which he was convicted were committed before the death penalty was reinstated in Kansas in 1994.

Memorable quotes:

The code words for me will be… Bind them, toture them, kill them, B.T.K., you see he at it again. They will be on the next victim.

— Postscript to first letter to the Wichita Eagle
October, 1974

Do it now — Life is complicated and short so stay young at heart as long as possible: It was so easy in ‘59.

— Rader’s “pearl of wisdom,”
in response to a questionnaire
for an eighth-grade class reunion, 1984

RADER: First of all — First of all, Mr. Otero was strangled — or a bag put over his head and strangled. Then I thought he was going down. Then I went over and strangled Mrs. Otero. I thought she was down. Then I strangled Josephine. Thought she was down. And then I went over to Junior and put the bag on his head. After that Mrs. Otero woke back up, and, you know, she was pretty upset what’s going on, so I came back and at that point in time strangled her for a — for the death strangle at that time. …

So basically when Mr. Otero was down, Mrs. Otero was down, I went ahead and … took Junior — I put another bag over his head and took him to the other bedroom at that time. …

And then when I went back Josephine had woke back up.

THE COURT: What did you do then?

RADER: I took her to the basement and eventually hung her.

. . .

RADER: I had many what I call them projects. They were different people in the town that I followed, watched. … There was many places in the area… it just was basically a selection process, worked toward it. …

Potential hits. That — In my world, that’s what I called them. …

THE COURT: And why did you have these potential hits? Was this to gratify some sexual interest or—

RA
DER: Yes, sir.

. . .

THE COURT: So all of these incidents, these ten counts, occurred because you wanted to satisfy a sexual fantasy; is that correct?

RADER: Yes, mm-hmm.

— Rader’s dispassionate recounting
of the Otero family murders
The State of Kansas v. Dennis L. Rader, June 27, 2005

Memorable observations:

[S]ervice awards went to Chief George Capps for 15 years, and to clerk Judy Ferguson, J.B. Brashear, Eric Miller, Randy Berry and Dennis Rader, all for 10 years. Congratulations to all of you, and to the rest of the city workers. Without you to pick on, I wouldn’t have much to write about. All kidding aside, you are the backbone of Park City and we are very proud of you.

— Margaret Wellman
Around Park City
Ark Valley News
October 4, 2001

Dennis Rader used just about everything good in his life as tools for evil.

— Ron Sylvester
Litany of horror
Wichita Eagle
August 18, 2005

Daddy, he tricked us — didn’t he?

— Five-year-old son of a Christ Lutheran usher,
after seeing Rader’s photo on television

No action or sentence bestowed upon Dennis Rader will begin to compare with the reckoning he will endure when his time for judgment comes before the Lord. I truly believe the Lord will pass judgment and sentence as is befitting Dennis Rader’s actions and beliefs. No amount of posturing or deception will save him from the eternity he has created for himself with his time here on earth. …

As far as I’m concerned, when it is all done, Dennis Rader has failed in his effort to kill the Oteros.

— Charlie Otero
Victim impact statement

Although we have never met, you have seen my face before. It is the same face you murdered over 30 years ago. The face of my mother, Julie Otero.

I will not address you as Mr. Rader, because mister is a word of respect. … BTK is how you want to be known and I will not give you that satisfaction. Rader is an appropriate name for you, as one who invades, a surprise attack. That is nothing to be proud of.

— Carmen Julie Otero Montoya
Victim impact statement

For the last 5,326 days I have wondered what it would be like to confront the walking cesspool that took my mother’s precious life. …

If my focus were hatred, I would stare you down and call you a demon from hell who defiles this court at the very sight of its cancerous presence.

If I embraced bitterness I would remind you that you are nothing but a despicable, child murdering, cowardly, impotent eunuch and pervert masquerading as a human being. …

If I had your devil nature, I would delight in the fact that your congregation has turned its back on you, that your friends have deserted you, that your wife has divorced you, that your own children have disowned you. …

If I were to sink to your level I would say that this world would have been much better off had your mother aborted your demon soul before you were unleashed on this world, sparing ten innocent lives and avoiding untold heartache for this community. …

If I were judgmental I would call you the most despicable form of hypocrite for profaning Christianity by daring to associate yourself with my faith and for blaspheming God’s house with your demonic actions.

If I were unforgiving, I would tell you that I will accept any shameful, meaningless attempts on your part to feign remorse by responding that I will grant you forgiveness the same day that hell freezes over; although I know that my mother in her Christian grace has already long since forgiven you.

— Jeffrey Davis
Victim impact statement

This was a man who hid his life and hid his deeds in order to continue his ability to continue his sexual passions. This is a man who might say he’s human and not a monster. This is a man who might stand up in court today and — and act like he has tears in his eyes or crocodile tears. But the fact is, when I saw him on Dateline, maybe I missed something, but this was an individual who loved the media attention, enjoyed being BTK, and said he was a star and seemed to relish the fact that he had committed all these homicides. …

Now, you know, it’s pitiable for Mr. Rader to stand here looking all pale and pasty and say how sorry he is. Well, that’s usually the culmination of what happens when defendants go to their last chance in order to convince a judge, you know, gosh, I’m really sorry. Well, what else do you say after you killed ten people?

— District Attorney Nola Foulston

He’s proud of what he did. He can think he’s a Christian all he wants … He is nothing but a perverted serial killer.

— Police Lt. Ken Landwehr

Final word:

The atrocious crimes I’ve committed has continued. Sedgwick County has a monster. I’ve brought the community, my family, the victims dishonor. There’s no — it is all self-centered. It was what they call — I would call a sexual predator. Today is my final judgment for me. …

With remorse, responsibility, with corrections, concepts of apology, the old me started whatever it was, factor X, sexual predator. The volcano was the building of all these years was the Otero, and probably the most devastating, upsetting to everybody is Josephine. I just don’t know. Self-centered, very selfish, and it exploded on that day. And it did continue off and on. Dishonesty, definitely. …

And I think honesty, people will say I’m not a Christian, but I believe I am. …

Probably the most damaging to me was the pornography they [the prosecution] displayed. Yes, they have pornography of what I drew. But I didn’t see where they had a lot of pornography, but they brought two pictures out. Family will know I didn’t own a camper. I had a pickup with a camper top, but I didn’t have any shelves in that. So basically the evidence was totally tainted. …

Christian Bible verse I found and I think helping me, will help me, leading me. This is John 8:12. I am the light of the world. He who follows me shall not walk in darkness but have light of life. Now that I’ve confessed, put myself out to let everybody know what’s going on, I expect to be healed and have life, and hopefully someday God will accept me.

I think Sedgwick County, myself, we speak of a man as an evil man, a dark side is there, but now I think light is beginning to shine. So I appreciate the family and friends and all I can be thankful for. And I think that will keep me from finally going to the dark side early on.

— Dennis L. Rader
Sentencing hearing, August 19, 2005

Other disturbing addenda:

• As a youth, Rader used to fake his own hangings in the basement of his parents’ house.

• He also tortured animals to death. And he served on the Sedgwick County Animal Control Advisory Board.

• He was a 1979 graduate of Wichita State University, with a degree in Administration of Justice.

• Per the Crime Library, “He worked at ADT Security Services from 1974 through 1989. In 1989, he also worked for the U.S. Census bureau going door-to-door collecting information. While working in both positions, Rader had access to many area residents’ homes. It is believed that he might have initially encountered some of his victims while on the job.”

• He told several of his female victims he had a “sexual problem,” and that he was going to tie them up and rape them. But he never got around to the rapes; he just strangled (and/or suffocated and/or stabbed) them to death.

• He placed the nude body of one victim in the trunk of her car, and, he said during his guilty plea: “Took the car over to Christ Lutheran Church… and took some pictures of her.”

What he didn’t mention was that he laid the victim’s body out on the church altar, and posed her a a variety of explicit sexual positions for the camera.

“Alive or dead,” Rader told Sedgwick County sheriff’s Sgt. Thomas E. Lee, “she was going to that church.”

• Rader’s ancestry includes a long line of devout Lutherans.

• Rader and his three younger brothers were all Boy Scouts.

• Members of the Otero family, who were murdered in their home January 15, 1974, included Joseph, 38, Julie, 34, and two of their children, a girl, 11, and a boy, 9. Their bodies were discovered by their three other children, all teenagers.

• He rushed the killing of one victim because he had to get back to a Boy Scout campout.

• He fantasized about sex-torture slayings of Annette Funicello, Halle Berry, and Meg Ryan: “Annette Funicello was my favorite fantasy hit target when she was on the Mouseketeers. … I had these imaginary stories of how I was going to get her, kidnap her, and do sexual things to her in California.”

• For the record, Rader was a married father of two. He started killing before his first child, a son, was born (in 1975).

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Rader:

Set thou a wicked man over him: and let Satan stand at his right hand. When he shall be judged, let him be condemned: and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few; and let another take his office.

— Psalm 109:6-8

Moral apex: Charged with sexual harrassment by six women.

Twinkie defense: Admits to nothing more than being “an excessive hugger.”

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Peterson:

O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.

— Psalm 69:5

Claims to fame: U.S. Senator; pro-choice, pro-ERA, all-around pro-women’s-rights Republican (!); serial groper; sleazebag

Moral apex: Groped and fondled several female staffers — and tried to forcibly French-kiss a lobbyist for the National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League. Ten different women complained initially, in ‘92; more stepped forward later.

Twinkie defense: He was drunk.

Consequence: Resigned in 1995 after Senate Ethics Committee decided to expel him.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Packwood:

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?

— Proverbs 6:27

Claims to fame: Former Governor of Colorado; divorcé; hypocrite

Moral apex: Killed a 28-year marriage.

Consequence: Devout Catholic who made “family values” the mainstay of his platform had to back out of keynote speeches to ultra-con groups such as Focus on the Family.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Owens:

I have forsaken mine house, I have left mine heritage; I have given the dearly beloved of my soul into the hand of her enemies.

— Jeremiah 12:7

Claims to fame: Millionaire; 2004 Republican candidate for Illinois U.S. Senate race; big anti-gay crusader; divorcé

Why he’s here: Just another hypocritical “sanctity of marriage” blowhard who couldn’t hold his own marriage together. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Oberweis:

If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.

— Numbers 30:2

Claims to fame: Former mayor of Charlotte, N.C.; co-sponsor of proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages; adulterer

Moral apex: Left hubby for another man.

Punch line: Self-described “devout Christian.”

Free pass: Won re-election as mayor of Charlotte anyway. Elected to Congress.

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Myrick:

As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.

— Proverbs 11:22

Claims to fame: Congressional rep-turned-CBS news anchor; divorcée

Moral apex: Divorced & remarried (to former NY congressman Bill Paxon).

Fun fact: Thrilled to pieces when Bob Dole picked her as Keynote Speaker at ‘96 Republican National Convention. Her father, ex-state legislator Guy Molinari, was not so blind to the reason: “He [Dole] has a serious gender gap.”

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Molinari:

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband

— 1 Corinthians 7:10

Claims to fame: Two-time failed Florida gubernatorial candidate, 1994; failed U.S. Senate candidate, 1996; super-duper born-again Christian; adulterer; divorcé

Moral apex: Married not once, not twice, but three times. (But, hey, let’s give the guy a break with a little Republican logic: It means he’s only been divorced twice!)

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Millner:

Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

— 1 Corinthians 7:27

Claims to fame: Tennessee state legislator; Tennessee Senate Republican Caucus Chairman; sponsor, Tennessee Marriage Protection Amendment; co-sponsor, Tennessee Defense of Marriage Act (1996); adulterer; divorcé; hypocrite

Moral apex: Sponsored a state constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Tennessee — while cheating on his wife, who subsequently filed for divorce (charging Miller with “inappropriate marital conduct”).

Who he was cheating with: Allegedly, one Jessica Fahey, a “legislative researcher” who accompanied Miller and his three daughters to a Martina McBride concert.

Should we care who Jessica Fahey is? Not really. But her boyfriend, David Willford, might care.

Who’s he? Just another soldier whose hometown girlfriend reportedly started catting around with a married man while he, poor schmuck, was off fighting in Iraq.

What does Miller have to say about all this? He “vehemently” denies all of the above allegations.

What does his ex-wife have to say about all this? “They’ve been seeing each other for a while,” his wife of 15 years, Brigitte, told one reporter. “Now he admits things. But he said it’s only been since he moved out. But I know better. I’ve got things that tell me differently.”

“I think he’s played around for a long time,” she told the Nashville City Paper, adding, “It’s not any more wrong to be gay than to commit adultery.”

“He is very hypocritical, fighting for the sanctity of marriage and not keeping his own,” she told the Chattanooga Times Free Press.

The hometown news corroborates: “The local and Nashville media have heard repeated claims about Sen. Miller’s alleged infidelity for years.” Wrote Matthew Melton in 2005. “People have been willing to come forward. But you didn’t read or hear about these reports. Why? It wasn’t that they were disbelieved. It was simply that the media didn’t feel the scandal was worth their time. Miller apparently banked on that silence. Whether the claims are provable hardly matters now. They all point to an accumulated seedy reputation with a nasty undercurrent.”

Why Miller is an even bigger hypocrite — and why we think he’s such a big homophobe in the first place: His younger brother Gregg is gay. And out.

Gee, we wonder why: Miller’s amendment, which passed the state legislature, defines marriage as “the historical institutional and legal contract solemnizing the relationship of one man and one woman.” However, Miller thwarted an addition to the amendment banning adultery (which read: “Adultery is deemed to be a threat to the institution of marriage and contrary to public policy in Tennessee”).

The good news: The incident effectively killed Miller’s hopes for moving up the political ladder… like, to the White House. In fact, he announced in February of 2006 that he would not seek re-election to a fourth term.

Empty threats: In late 2005, Miller sent a letter to Cleveland, Tennessee, business owners warning them not to advertise in the Bradley Weekly newspaper, which has covered the senator’s mating-and-dating habits with interest: “Myself and many others are going to be watching in the next several weeks to identify and remember those in this community that wish to subsidize the destructive nature of this type of publication in our community,” wrote Miller.

(Mind you, Miller didn’t deny that he was dating another woman while waiting for his final divorce decree.)

Bradley Weekly editor Barry Graham shot back in an open letter (bold emphasis ours):

Dear Jeffy,

So, it seems you didn’t like our cover story about you a couple weeks ago. That’s why you’re threatening our advertisers, telling them that you and your pals will be “watching” them to see if they continue to advertise with us. How gauche, Jeffy. Remember how you once tried to sponsor a bill to put us out of business? Don’t you ever learn?

You’re a liar, Jeffy. And a weasel. You’re a bully and a philanderer. And, most of all, you’re a coward. …

You’re a silly, irresponsible little boy. When you get caught out, you don’t face your accusers and take them on. Instead, you throw a tantrum, and try to stab your supposed “enemies” in the back.

And the grown-ups just laugh at you. …

You might claim that, in reporting about your personal life, we’ve gone too far. You might claim that, yes, it’s public business that you’re a corrupt politician who could be facing charges from the US Attorney, that, yes, it’s public business that you’d rather spend time with your lover than show up in court for your job as Bradley County Delinquent Tax Attorney or in the Senate for your job representing the people who elected you. You might say that, yes, these things are all matters of public interest, but that your personal life is nobody’s business but your own. …

But you, Jeffy, put your chosen lifestyle out there for the public to judge. Your platform is that of a guy who believes in the sanctity of marriage, and that marriage should be between one man and one woman. And your behavior doesn’t support your platform. So, we report it. …

[B]ecause you had made it a public issue like … other matters, we asked you about your chosen lifestyle, and how it had ruined your marriage. And you didn’t answer.

You accused us of printing “rumor, innuendo, half-truths and out and out lies.” The editor of this paper publicly challenged you to debate him, at any venue in Bradley County, and he promised that if you could cite just one example of something he had written that he couldn’t prove, he would apologize to you. The challenge appeared in an article in the Chattanooga Times Free Press. You didn’t respond, of course. You’re too afraid of what would be revealed in the debate. And you know we can prove anything we say. You don’t want to talk about how your chosen lifestyle impacts your public life. …

Instead, you tried to silence us. In order to put us out of business, you threatened other local businesses. You’re such a fraidy-cat, Jeffy…

Proving that Tennesseans don’t like to be pushed around, a few businesspeople pushed back; Bradley Weekly publisher Susan Shelton said the paper lost no advertising business, and in fact several locals called to buy new ads because of Miller’s threats.

Memorable quotes:

I’m not scared of folks who have an alternative lifestyle, I’m not being scared or phobic in one way or another.

— Explaining his state bill banning civil unions and domestic partnerships (above and beyond same-sex marriage), March, 2004

They could come to Tennessee and claim rights. That’s what I’m afraid of.

— A few days later, talking about the same bill, only this time explaining what he is afraid of, March, 2004

I am very proud to again be the sponsor of a Senate Joint Resolution that will protect the sanctity of marriage in Tennessee. …

Homosexual activists are already heading into court to challenge the results of the Marriage Protection Amendments passed by huge majorities on Election Day. …

The opposition in the Legislature tries to label this a “wedge issue” and paint the actions of myself and those supporting this measu
re as an attempt to bring out conservative votes in the 2006 elections. As sponsor of the resolution, I can attest that I am not doing this for political purposes. This is a matter that has been thrust upon us by activist judges in courts across this nation and my actions are necessary to protect Tennessee from falling victim to the exact same kind of actions from a potential activist court in this state.

— “Miller Minute,” February 11, 2005

I LOVE BEING SOUTHERN, ’cause…

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

…

Bless your hearts, ya’ll [sic] have a blessed day.
Mom, Apple Pie & Gen. Robert E. Lee

— “Jeff’s Jots,” “Miller Minute,” February 17, 2005

Obituary for Mr. Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. …

…Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband…

— “Jeff’s Jots,” “Miller Minute,” February 25, 2005

Tennesseeans did not ask for this fight over the definition of marriage. This fight was forced upon Tennessee by those who are seeking to redefine marriage in court by cozying up to activist judges. Activist judges liberally read their own thoughts and views into constitutions in order to “find” rights which don’t exist.

— “Miller Minute,” March 3, 2005

Should you drink the water in authentic Mexican restaurants?

How come nothing in the world is more expensive than a girlfriend who’s totally free for the weekend?

Does a crowded elevator smell different to a midget?

Why should we be politically correct when we can be right?

— “Jeff’s Jots,” “Miller Minute,” March 3, 2005

Ronald Reagan, God rest his soul.

— “Jeff’s Jots,” “Miller Minute,” March 17, 2005

Two more things we don’t like about Jeff Miller: His atrocious grammar and spelling; e.g., “Myself and many others are going to be watching…”; “…paint the actions of myself and those supporting this measure…”; “ya’ll”.

Fun facts:

• Past honors include:

• Average number of times Miller uses one or more of the phrases “activist judges,” “activist courts,” or “homosexual activists” in each press release related to his same-sex marriage-ban bill: 3.67

• People (and things) Miller considers more deserving of guaranteed “rights” than gay and lesbian people:

• Miller was one of nine Tennessee lawmakers nailed in a federal sting operation called “Operation Tennessee Waltz”. In short, Miller and his cohorts (which, to be fair, included four Democrats) were accused of taking money for pushing through a bill to benefit a computer-recycling company. As of this writing in mid-2006, most of the accused were indicted; at least two — John Ford (D-Memphis) and Chris Newton (R-Cleveland) — have resigned, and at least one (Newton) has been convicted and is now in a federal prison.

While Miller has so far escaped indictment, it’s implied that he may still be under investigation… probably because he did admit accepting $1,000 cash from a lobbyist (one of the convicted “bagmen”). Of course, Miller said he thought the money was just a campaign contribution.

• “A lady saying she has known Jeff Miller for years” related a story to KnoxNews columnist Tom Humphrey about Jeffy’s underage arrest (he was in a car full of friends) for having an open bottle of vodka in a vehicle… and how Jeffy lied to the police officer by identifying himself as “John Smith.” (The cop let the rest of the kids go, but hauled Jeffy down to the station.)

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Miller:

For the congregation of hypocrites shall be desolate, and fire shall consume the tabernacles of bribery. They conceive mischief, and bring forth vanity, and their belly prepareth deceit.

— Job 15:34-35

Claims to fame: Florida Senate President; adulterer; divorcé

Moral apex: Forced to admit, during messy divorce proceedings in ‘96, to boinking young telecommunications lobbyist while working on bill to deregulate telecommunications industry.

What happened next: Married the lobbyist.

Divine justice: Swore affair never affected job, but still had to resign as chair of the state Ways and Means Committee.

Anything else? Yeah, but it involves a tax scandal, not sex.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McKay:

Thou sellest thy people for nought, and dost not increase thy wealth by their price.

— Psalm 44:12

Moral apex: Closet homo outed by respected journalist Kurt Wolfe…

Height of hypocrisy: …after he voted in favor of anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act.

End result: Still denies he’s gay.

See also: Mark Foley, Jim Kolbe.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McCrery:

For there is no man that doeth any thing in secret, and he himself seeketh to be known openly. If thou do these things, shew thyself to the world.

— John 7:4

See the main page for Bernard Kerik

See all entries for Bernard Kerik

From the New York Times:

Claims to fame: Conservative activist; child molester; groper; john

Moral apex: A local Ohio TV station broke the story that Lukens had been paying a woman for the sexual services of the woman’s teenage daughter. Lukens got off with one month in jail (he was found guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor). Despite GOP pressure, refused to resign office.

Reprise, and finale: Finally resigned after he was caught fondling a Capitol elevator operator.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Lukens:

What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

— 1 Corinthians 6:16

Suggested Bible reading for the girl’s mother:

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

— Leviticus 19:29

Claims to fame: Philadelphia City Councilman; prominent local Republican; adulterer

Moral apex: In 2001, dumped wheelchair-bound wife for another woman… after 60 years of marriage.

Addendum: Longstreth was 80 at the time he announced his intention to marry his 51-year-old bit of fluff.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Longstreth:

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

— Proverbs 5:18-19

Claim to fame: Ex-U.S. House rep; adulterer

Moral apex: Multiple extramarital affairs. Alleged BDSM dirty talk captured on audio tape now in possession of Hustler publisher Larry Flynt.

Punch line: Was scheduled replacement for fellow serial diddler Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House. Resigned, suddenly — one day after sexual peccadilloes came to light.

Believe it or not:

As the result of a runoff election, Livingston was succeeded by “D.C. Madam” john David Vitter!

Memorable quote:

“I have on occasion strayed from my marriage, and doing so nearly cost me my marriage and my family.”

— Quoted in The Flynt Report, 1999

Fun fact: According to those who’ve heard the tape, Livingston is sexually submissive.

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Livingston:

And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labour, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

— Ezekiel 23:29

Claims to fame: Former Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney & assistant for National Security Affairs; big-mouth; lightweight pornographer

Why he’s here: Certainly not for his indictment on federal charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. As fascinated as we are by the whole Valerie Plame story, it has nothing to do with sex.

So, why is he here? Because he’s a sick freak, that’s why.

Moral apex: He wrote a novel in 1996, The Apprentice, that details scenes of incest, bestiality (hunters consider humping a dead deer), pedophilia, and — hold onto your stomach — a girl kept in a cage and raped by a bear in order to train her to become a prostitute.

Are you making this up? We wish we were.

Memorable quotes:

He said that boys from the village took the merchant’s daughter places, and word spread that she had many lovers. There were odd tales of her sexual prowess, and they said she had coupled with dogs and men and several of the boys at once. Then to their village came a young samurai, who spotted the girl as all did, and she folded him into her. She took other lovers in the village, which enraged him, but he would not be done with her…

The young samurai’s mother had the child sold to a brothel, where she swept the floors and oiled the women and watched the secret ways. At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest. Groups of men paid to watch. Like other girls who have been trained this way, she learned to handle many men in a single night and her skin turned a milky white. …

They gave her wooden penises and taught her how to handle them. They taught her how to sing out in the night and move to finish off her customers more quickly. …

— The Apprentice by Scooter Libby

Memorable observations:

The narrative makes generous mention of lice, snot, drunkenness, bad breath, torture, urine, “turds,” armpits, arm hair, neck hair, pubic hair, pus, boils, and blood (regular and menstrual). …

Homoeroticism and incest also figure as themes. The main female character, Yukiko, draws hair on the “mound” of a little girl. The brothers of a dead samurai have sex with his daughter. Many things glisten (mouths, hair, evergreens), quiver (a “pink underlip,” arm muscles, legs), and are sniffed (floorboards, sheets, fingers). The cast includes a dwarf, and an “assistant headman” who comes to restore order after a crime at the inn. (Might this character be autobiographical? And, if so, would that have made Libby the assistant headman or the assistant headman’s assistant?)

— Lauren Collins
Scooter’s Sex Shocker
The New Yorker
November 7, 2005

[I]t’s not because every member of the current Administration— yes, every single person — is a wretched, pernicious, and vilely disgusting biped-shaped toilet offering better stranded on some godforsaken Lord-of-the-Flies island that I say former Chief-of-Staff and National Security Advisor to the Vice President Lewis Libby’s novel is bad.

It’s because the book is bad, because the writing is bad, because the plotting is bad. Because after spending twenty years writing this dud, Libby has produced a vague, poorly worded novel tarted up with sex and then some murders — and those just so we know his motivation is pure. …

Holy bleeding Jesus what a pile of dreck and dross, the kind of fourth-rate mimicry of third-rate imitators of second-rate passages from the lesser short stories of a college sophomore Faulkner fan. And the whole book has that kind of empty phrasings that just drone on and on and make you feel sleepy time always. The book is only some thirty pages over 200 and I found myself struggling and slogging through it for more than a solid week, making fists and forcing myself onward, ever onward. I made coffee thinking it was me, but even with half a pot stewing in my veins, I just kept drifting. It’s not that Libby never gets off a decent turn of phrase or a poetic image or a fine insight, it’s just that there are only five of these altogether, so you get one every forty-six pages.

— The Novel and the Political Review
Late Reviews and Latest Obsessions
December 1, 2005

That’s a bit depraved, isn’t it, this kind of thing about bears and young girls? …

God, they’re an odd bunch, these Republicans.

— Nancy Sladek
Editor, Literary Review

Fun fact: It took Scooter 20 years to write this thing.

Suggested Kesuvim reading for Mr. Libby:

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.

— Psalms 1:1,4