Though touted and relentlessly discoursed,
These values are selectively enforced:
Of candidates the pollsters have endorsed,
There isn’t one who hasn’t been divorced.

— Source unknown; probably Calvin Trillian, in The Nation

Whose moral-value judgment do you trust more: that of Bill Clinton, who got a hummer in the Oval Office and then lied about it, or that of the august body of convicted felons, child molesters, suspected rapists, adulterers, serial gropers, and deadbeat dads hell-bent on impeaching him for that blowie after their multi-million-dollar Whitewater investigation turned up nada?

Now, which would you rather read: A reasoned, balanced, longwinded and rather dry treatise on the hypocrisy of conservatives, or an easy-to-read checklist — a scoresheet of sleaze — that illustrates, no uncertain terms, the complete lack of “honor and integrity” that is the paean of the moral-toutin’ Radical “Right”?

Guess which one you’re about to see here?

Sure, this is an ugly, sleazy thing to do, but, as I’ve said often since the birth of the Right Wing Attack Machine, it’s time we liberals stopped being so damned nice.

We are not getting through to the people who need to hear our message — or at least, that part of our message about the unfathomable hypocrisy of the party that preaches puritanism in the streets and then goes home, locks the door, and feels up the hired help.

The Republicans and their huge base of “Christian” moralists positively own this country, and want to outlaw everything from your right to free speech without fear of retribution, to your children’s right to be schooled in evolutionary science, to my right to live with the person I love.

So let’s speak to the Right on the level they understand — and on which they thrive. As lowdown and dirty as it is, this is the kind of information you can actually use in your water-cooler debates with co-workers who think gays are evil, all a feminist really needs is a good man to keep her in line, and Bush and his ilk are just swell, honest, upstanding pillars of virtue.

In other words, the next time some dittohead spouts off about how gay marriage means the decline of civilization, or why Clinton was bad and Bush is “a good Christian,” you’ll have the kind of ammunition said dittohead will understand.

As explained after running an exposé of the adulterous affair of Henry Hyde:

In a different and better world, we would not have released this story. Throughout the tragic farce of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, we have strongly argued that the private lives of all Americans, whether they are public figures or not, should remain sacrosanct. …

But Clinton’s enemies have changed the rules. In the brave new world that has been created by the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, the private lives of public figures are no longer off-limits. The president is now to be judged not by how he does his job, but by his private sexual behavior. As Rep. Tom DeLay, one of Capitol Hill’s more vigilant moral centurions, said, “I’m scared to death of such notions that it doesn’t matter what a person does in his private life. The character is the person … I’m very concerned we have some [people] in the United States that really believe that character doesn’t matter.” …

Aren’t we fighting fire with fire, descending to the gutter tactics of those we deplore? Frankly, yes. But ugly times call for ugly tactics. When a pack of sanctimonious thugs beats you and your country upside the head with a tire-iron, you can withdraw to the sideline and meditate, or you can grab it out of their hands and fight back.

Why we ran the Henry Hyde story
September 16, 1998

These are ugly times, boys and girls — uglier than could have ever imagined in 1998.

And since sex is about the only thing that will catch the attention of the general public anymore, that’s where we’ll focus — on sex, sex, sex… and sexual assault (which has nothing to do with screwing, but everything to do with being screwed up), as well as such other un-”Christian” transgressions, such as blatant (and GOP-sanctioned) racism, nepotism, misuse of public funds, and the like. (Wait ’til you get a load of the Repubs who are wingnut-militia supporters, off-the-scale conspiracy theorists, and those who are just plain nuts.)

But the main focus is on the one subject everybody will read about: S-E-X. Banging, boffing, boinking, bonking, shagging…

Yes, boys and girls, conservatives do it. Quite often with people they’re not supposed to be doing it with. And they usually lie about it.

Haven’t you ever wondered why the Right is so bloody obsessed with it?

Remember, kids:
These are the God-fearin’ righties who want to
legislate your morality and “family values”!